We all know the influence of blogs and what they can do. But have you wondered about the life span of a blogger?
I've been trying to rediscover my life recently. Which I have been doing for past two years over and over again. Seeking what I hope would give me an answer to all life's mysteries. It lead me to finding love, twice.
I have wrote two consecutive posts on my facebook recently. Each of them contradict one another. It shows how messed up and complicated my mind was at times, fickle, if you may.
Explain this feeling...
Why do I feel so lonely sometimes?
Even when there are so many people around me. People I love and care and who love and care for me.
This song playing on my window media player always gets to me. It sings about a song in the past, my past, something that I shouldn't be relating to anymore, and yet I am here, listening, feeling all worked up for it.
Should I be here? Am I destined to be somewhere else, somewhere not here. Anywhere other than here.
My body feels heated from all this alcohol inside my bloodstream.
I feel like swaying, dancing in my head, floating around the room, or was it the room that's floating around me. I can't tell.
"I can't make you love me, if you don't."
"I can't make you feel something you won't."
It's the past. I know.
And the previous one.
The world with you.
Where's my passion? Has it gone? Has it flown?
Where did the days go, the days when I would not care two hoots to take a spontaneous ride in the wild, to somewhere foreign and distant. What went wrong, have things changed? If they have, what were they?
Sometimes I secretly wish I'm few years younger, and that none of this has ever happened, everything in life is uncertain yet, and age was never an issue. I would just go, and never come back, at least till I think there's a need to.
Explore, experience, try, seek. Things to do in life that was meant to be done, meant to be tasted, to experience. So many of them. I want to try them all.
But now I am so contented, with the stability, with the easiness in my heart. Foreign culture doesn't interest me that much anymore, it seem distant, boring, unattractive. Whereas the mundane, the repetitive has stepped in, molded themselves comfortably on the sofa in my house, with a cup of hot tea and a good book. A smile, a kiss and a hug every now and then. Airports are no longer my second home, I no longer lull my luggage from one end of the world to the other, live out of my suitcase, counting how much I have left in a certain currency or how much I should convert for the next currency. Looking into hotels, motels, lodges and hostels for a few nights of stay for the next few days. Wondering what would I be expecting in the next few turns, who I will meet, what I will eat.
No, those days seem distant, and boring.
Since when I've been so easily contented.
Well.. I guess you've changed my world. Haven't you?
As I read through most of the notes I posted, I realized that he was right afterall, for he knew me best. Even in such short span of time, he knew me, from the inside.
"Even if you're happy in love, you will never be happy in life, not this life. This is not you, I know you better. You need to explore, you life is out there."
Maybe, life isn't all about adventure. Maybe the next adventure in life is starting right now, right where I belong. Even if my heart and mind do wander, but it always comes back here. I've never seen it this way, but maybe I been accustomed to my so-called comfort zone, of shooting from one place to another, commitment-free, hassle-free, care-free, not needing to worry about the next thing in life.
It's not typical, but it IS my comfort zone. I don't really know any other lifestyle than this since I was 17. My heart has been wild, seeking for the next adventure, and I know I will never grow accustom to settling down, not entirely. But maybe it's time to learn to cope. Or least to find alternative to make it work my way.
So before that, maybe, I could have just one more adventure.
Just one more.
No comments:
Post a Comment